Toxic Thoughts.

Today was good because I finally had a successful fast.

But it was bad because I started thinking about the past, which made me feel terrible.

Somehow I started thinking about middle school and the start of high school.

I was so naive, and ugly, and stupid, and gullible, and annoying.

Actually, maybe I don't want to get into this... I've blocked out most of middle school (I just remember trying to get the popular kids to like me, yup, I was that girl) but I guess I'll discuss the beginning of high school.

Because I had no friends in middle school, I went to high school not really knowing anybody. But me being lame me, I didn't think that was a problem, and was just super! excited to make bffs for life ♡!

Somehow I got into this really weird drama filled group where everyone was secretly talking shit about everyone else all the time. Because I was stupid, I didn't get that it was all a game, and when I did figure out that it was a game, I didn't get the rules.

I personally feel like I was the main victim of this group. One person would get me talking about another person, and then they'd tell the person we were talking about all the shit I said. Or one person would tell the others that I made up all these rumours about them all, WHEN I DEFINITELY DIDN'T. Or they'd make up rumours about me, like that I was a lesbian. T_T

great friends.

What's weird is that I stuck around this group for three years until one of them decided to hate me, kick me out of the group, blog about how annoying I am, and even when I was out of the group already, talk shit about me when I was in earshot (in art class, or at our lockers).

This is the girl who triggered my social anxiety, disordered eating, and depression.

I honestly want her dead.
Her blood on the floor, and the taste of sweet, sweet revenge on my lips.

She ruined my life. And I don't even know why. Just one day, she hated me! When all of this happened I just tried to ignore it all. I didn't say anything to her, I didn't try to stay in the group (none of my other friends would even talk to me after this happened), I just tried to disappear, and I've been trying unsuccessfully ever since.

Sometimes I think that I should find her on facebook, and just send her a huge message to get everything off of my chest. But I know it wouldn't help; what's done is done, you know?

Anyway... I was just thinking about all the times I let people walk all over me, or manipulate me, or just be a bitch to me, and how I wish I was someone else, or that there was a way to erase memories.

I went to work thinking about my past and feeling sick and angry because of it. W was working and he tried to make conversation, but the first part of our shift I was quiet, just thinking about how much I hate myself. He eventually broke through though and made me laugh, and then everything was better.

♥,

Mint.